The Mad Mad Ramblings of One Mistress

About

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Jamie is your soulmate.

You truly love Mary.

You consider John your true friend.

You know that Chantal (my Widdle Sis) is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Mary for the rest of your life.

You secretly think David is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Brian is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Marta is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Marta changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Andrew is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Andrew has a hidden internet romance.

What Do You Think of Your Friends?

	Jun. 17th, 2005 @ 09:43 am

wow... its been a while...

I'm getting a bunny wabbit this weekend!

School's out for my friends. They're so happy it hurts. jking

Things have been going ok for me. I'm working at the Rainforest Café and Jamie's birthday is coming up soon. I know just what I'm getting for him. I got my little sis a set of rollerblades and pads and a helmet. She really likes it. My little brother's birthday is coming up after Jamie's and I know what I'm getting him too. I'm on such a birthday craze. I just suddenly have all these ideas for birthdays. I used to be so bad with them. But now I know just what to get everyone. ^_^ ... I only hope Jamie will like his present that I get for him. I'm going to be so broke after it... I hope I'll have enough for my brother.

Father's day is coming up this weekend... this Sunday... I don't know what I want to do. I think I want to reconcile with him... I know I do. I feel so terrible for fucking up as bad as I have I know he doesn't want to have anything to do with a failure such as myself. I think I should change my name too. I don't think I deserve to have my last name as his. But I don't know how to fix the shit I've made.

Well today should be an eventful day. I'm going to pick up my check from work. It's the last check I get because I quit there. I'm still working at the Rainforest Cafe. I'm talking about that other job I had. I know I get my vacation pay too. It's pretty hefty. I wonder when that check comes out... and do I have to pick that up or is it mailed out to me? Oh well. I'll find out later. Anyways, I'll go get part of Jamie's present today and see about how much the other half of the present will cost. I'm going to duck into PJ's pet store too to check out the bunnies. ^_^ I want to also visit John in his new PJ's I can't remember where he's working but I have it written down here somewhere. I have to go shopping too. for groceries and stuff.

Jamie won a mini Ipod! Those pepsi blue tabs really DO have good prizes!

Anyways, I have to take a shower and get ready for my day. I've been up since really early today just because I helped Jamie get ready for work. "helped" ... I just sort of watched :P

I hope they fixed the pool. I want to go swimming today.

... I had a pack of 40 granola bars... within two days... they were all eaten. By me. (I'm surprised I'm not sick)

I have to do the dishes and the laundry today. I'll do that when I get home. I want to make a surprise dinner tonight. I have until about 9:30pm to do everything because that's supposedly when Jamie comes home tonight. He works far too hard. He leaves at 7am (and that's if he sleeps in) and comes home from anywhere between 9-11pm!! The poor guy. He's a manager of a Mr. Lube at the age of 20 and he's overworked, overstressed, and needs to eat and sleep... badly.

I can only hope that my plan works out for his birthday. I want him to have fun.

Anyways, I have to get ready. I'll check back in when I'm bored.

Current Mood:

energetic

Current Music: Children of Bodom - Every Time I Die

Other entries

» (No Subject)

you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.

which happy bunny are you?
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Revenge killer

You kill for
revenge.
That is because you have lost something or
someone you held very dear. Now you can't seem
to get over the loss that marked your soul, and
the only solution is to go after the one person
who brought all this pain to you. Chances are
you are angry inside and you bottle everything
up and don't talk to anyone about it. People
may want to help, but you think that they can
never understand your pain and only get
frustrated because of this. But it is important
to see all that you have left and be thankful
of that even if you have lost something great.
It may not be true that Times heals all wounds,
but with time and talking about your feelings,
maybe the hurt will ease.

Main weapon: Yourself
Quote: "You can close your eyes to
reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J.
Lec
Facial expression: Gritted teeth and
teary eyes

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
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Stoner Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
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HASH(0x8d6cfe0)

You are Ecstasy (aka: MDMA, XTC, adam...). You are
confused, you need everybody's support to feel
secure, you like to be around people, you have
your own fantasy world you run to every time
you feel helpless. You are classified as class
(A and B) illegal drugs.

What kind of Drugs are you? and how that reflect your personality?
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pouty

~*~*~*~*~UNIQUE~*~*~*~*~
You are different. You're the type of person that
is easily spotted in a crowd. You have a
radiant personality. You probably go through a
lot of mood swings from happy to lonely, angry
to sad, loving to spiteful, and so on. Be aware
that your sudden change in personality may
offend some people. People like to be around
you because you are genuine and relaxed. You
seem at peace with yourself and you give off
that "what you see is what you get"
vibe. That's a good thing because your general
audience will feel relaxed and at ease knowing
that they too can be themselves with out having
to worry. Try not to judge others on their
appearance. It's not nice. Over all you're a
spirited person who enjoys having a good time!
Good for you! :o)

Please Rate or message me! Thank you for taking my
quiz! XoXo <3 Lana

You're Beautiful...but why? ( PICS)
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tiger

Grrr baby, very grrr. You like them stripey and
growly eh? Well technically the lion is the
king of the jungle, but you've just elected a
tiger king of YOUR jungle..

Like games or roleplay? Here's a great one that
has nothing to do with beastiality:

www.life-blood.vze.com

What animal would you have sex with (If you had to)?
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LMFAO!!!!

Info Black

Your Heart is Black

What Color is Your Heart?
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depressed girl

You are the depressed/dreamer anime girl.You either
lost somebody you love or somebody broke you
heart so bad that you can't pick up the
shattered pieces without hurting yourself.You
think nobody can heal your wounds but don't
stop looking because you never know who loves
you enough to try hell the one special guy
could be right infront of your eyes and you
don't even know it.You also love to day dream
because it seems like the only place that makes
you happy.BBut little do you know that people
all around you are trying to make you happy and
you won't let them in fearing you'll get
another heartbreak or get hurt worse.But just
try and if things go wrong just brush it off
and try again.It never hurts to try.One more
thing never let that lost love one leave you
heart keep them in forever and keep their
memory alive.

If You Were An Anime Character What Would You Look Like?(Girls Only)
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Hecate

Hecate

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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playing footsie

footsie - you like to goof around and laugh with
the people you care about.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
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FROZEN QUEEN/ KING
You dont want love to come through to you. You like
it the way you are. To be unreachable, no need
to show feelings. Hiding everything inside you.
You are already used to it. You say yourself
that you dont need anyone, that you stand on
your own two feet or that you dont have time
for these things. But in reality you are scared
to get hurt. You feel save where you are: by
yourself, nobody can hurt you there. You
invent your own relationship in your dreams.
You just need to know that you COULD get a
partner.
Thats it.
PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always
message me or tell me how I can improve that
quiz. Ill sure write back.

~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla
Apr. 6th, 2005 @ 10:51 am

» (No Subject)

You are the bad boy / girl of your school. You
have little faith in yourself and usually find
escape in some sort of addicting substance or
yourself. You would rather torture others
above anything else. You regularly skip
school and when you go, always tend to ditch a
certain class. Some classmates can fear you
while others pity you...and your family. (No
offense) Your cruel behavior and abject
personality tends to single you out from the
crowd...and you prefer life this way at times.
However, lonliness can rear its ugly head and
force you seek a way to silence it. But be
warned, your path is dangerous... but only a
strong person can walk this road.

Some
ideal occupations for you can be a Police
officer, Celebrity (who doesn't love the
badasses?), Wrestler, Polotician, or some sort
of leader. Either way, your destined to be
known by many.

What type of teenager are you?
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Apr. 6th, 2005 @ 10:44 am

» April third.....
It's been a month. It's mom's birthday. Fuck. I have no money. Fuck. * Cats are eating the plants.... that are dead. Stupid cats... Stupid fuzzy cats... I Wuv them. * Yeah..... I'm hungry. Apr. 3rd, 2005 @ 09:11 am

» (No Subject)

You scored as Canada. You’re polite, friendly and pretty much an all around nice person. Everyone wants you at the party but at the same time no one really cares if you don’t show. You might consider hitting the gym once in a while.

</td>

Canada

100%

Kyrgyzstan

50%

France

30%

Great Britain

10%

United States

What country are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Mar. 28th, 2005 @ 10:20 am

» I'm stupid.

That's right. You DONT talk to me. And when you do.. it's short.

I read entries from the top of the page down. So NOT chronologically.

I don't use the word "oppressing".

Just that when you DO write something, you always say it in a way that "reminds" me of how much smarter you are than myself.

Even if it WAS towards another person who you dislike, why would you post that kind of thing in MY journal? It was directly pointing out how little research I could have done on a subject like that, and how improbable my desires are. You commented by saying that it was an impossibility and that I was simply "overexaggerating". If you want to say something to your "friend" say it to HER. I remember the last time I saw you under "plesant conditions" You visited my bakery two days before my birthday. You gave me a hug. You left after not even five minutes. You never came back for my birthday and I can't remember seeing you again after that until this day. Maybe I really do have a memory problem, but I don't remember speaking with you in person except for that day. I think I have a vague memory of you rushing out of the house sometime between then and now to go see a friend, but I don't remember any other time we spoke. That's a lot of months to be away from a sibling. You're doing your share of "shielding us" by not being anyfuckingwhere NEARBY!

Just to clarify, I've accepted the fact that I'm stupid. I've accepted the fact that I'm a shitforbrains. I've accepted that I'm a failure. I don't care to try anymore. I just don't care. Physically, I'm alive. Emotionally... I don't feel anything towards anyone but anger or a sense of loss. I think that either you hate me, or you've left me. Or both. I don't know. I'm a mentally distraught person. I have a lot on my plate, a lot on my mind. I'm quitting my job at the bakery because I have decided that I just won't take their bullshit anymore. I'm sick and tired of people trying to control me or tell me how wrong I am or tell me that they know what I'm thinking and they think that they can sort me into a category and explain me. You are one of those latter people. You have always catagorized me and classified me as a certain type of person who thinks yadda yadda yadda. I hate that so much. Especially because it's from YOU, my only older sibling. My sister, no less. I hsould be looking up to you. I followed you for most of my childhood rearing and I tried to do everything you did because you always convinced me that you were right. Now I can see how you classify everything and try to mathematically describe it or depict certain characteristics and place it in a group. You never try to understand that people aren't like that. You can't say this is how someone is and they'll never change. People are constantly learning. Constantly changing. You can never describe a person because they are always different from one moment to the next. They learn and develop. I learn. I change. But you have no influence on me anymore. You've left quite a mark and simply saying you're sorry and telling me how much guilt you feel isn't going to change the way I have felt or what instances happened in my life. Saying sorry doesn't erase the past. I know you'll be feeling guilty, but hey, I'm the fucked up one! Daddy thinks I'm on speed and heroin and coke and shit, mommy thinks I'm a pregnant whore, chantal is in dire need of proper role models and edgar is just entering his puberty stage... So much emotional shit is going on, and there is no fucking time left. There's no time to change or to help the enevitable. All the kids in this family will come out scarred, if not already severely so. You don't know what's going on at home because you're all the fucking way off in your own world... your own town and everything. You moved as far away as possible so you could live your life. Well good for you. But then you turn around and say you're "Protecting us"??? You're all the fuck over there! You hardly TALK to us, let alone protect us. I'm not stronger than you. I'm far from it. I'm fucked up. I don't care to have any help. I prefer being alone. I prefer being on my own. I am actually MAKING a plan to help out my siblings. I'm getting a place that they can come to when they need to in the future. I'm getting a house that they can live in when they come of age to move out and choose not to live at home. The parents are splitting once the kids grow up anyways, so what then? With them split up, the kids will have no where to live! The parents don't make enough on thier own to support the entire households bills and two teenagers/adults. True, the kids might have enough money to move out without parent support by the time they finish high school... but... Did we? I want to help them as much as I can. I'm sending them money every two weeks. I'm providing whatever they want but are afraid to ask from the parents. I'm always here for them and will at any time be where they are within a matter of minutes, no matter what. I'm trying to be of at least SOME help to them. I remember that once you hit high school, and ever since then, you have estranged yourself from us. You seemed to "never have time" for your own siblings. You never had time to "talk" and when I would be lucky enough to catch you on a good night (although you were still half listening and half typing on that damned computer of yours), you would STILL be too afraid to tell dad or mom that you had called me in to talk, or that we would only be a few minutes more. Instead, you would always say "She won't get out" or "she came in on her own and won't leave" and then father would usher me out telling me to leave you alone because you're "working" HA! You were writing those damned fics and talking online to friends or doing role play writing. None of those were classified as "work" when I did any of them. I had something really important to tell you many of those times, and I remember that when father made me leave your bedroom I started giving "attitude" and being rude, and then a whole screaming fest would happen. All I wanted was a few minutes to talk with you about something my little childish mind was worrying about or thinking of. All I wanted was to ask you a few questions so that I would feel safe again. I was a little child who never wanted to grow up because I was scared. I acted like a child many times because being mature was too upsetting for me. I felt comforted when I acted like a child. I often lightened up the mood because I was acting childish. That part of me is imbedded in me. I do that more than half the time NOW and I'm friggin 17!!! When I crawled onto your bed to sit next to you and talk and found that you were always too busy for me, I decided that I could no longer come to you for comfort and advise. I could no longer look up to you when I needed help. You were too "mature" to have time for me, a childish little sister. I remember when we were close. We always used to go to "kidland"... until you matured out of that too. Do you remember the games we played? Do you remember how we would play all day long, every day, all summer long? How our little imaginations would let us create stories out of leggo people. How we would cover the floors creating little cities and developing our characters and giving them extraordinary lives? How every Saturday we would go play T-ball and you would always want to show me how to do things just right. You always tried to show me the right way. You were always the person who I looked up to if I wanted to learn something because you always just 'had' the answer. I remember how after T-ball you and I ran like crazy animals, racing to get to the playground before each other. I remember all the times we went to playgrounds and played tag, which developed into role playing games and then how we always had to go on everything and try out everything before the other one. I remember how when Chantal was older you got jealous when I wouldn't play with you and would just play with her. Then we as a threesome started playing games. I remember how well we would just... work. I remember how close we always were. How we would just know everything about each other. I remember. I remember so much. I remember how we would always play so close together. Just you and me. People always mistook us as twins. We were so close. ... Then you grew up. You were too mature to be playing with me suddenly. You were doing homework. You were going out with friends. You were working. You were having these in-depth conversations with the parents about things you learnt at school that I was not privy to because I was a few years behind you and couldn't understand. It suddenly became very hard to talk to you. You used all of these words I hadn't been taught and then looked down upon me as if I should have known what you were talking about. When you realised that I didn't understand what you were saying you just gave up and got annoyed with me asking. So I stopped asking. We grew apart. I saw you as this rapidly developing person. I saw you as this mature person. I thought of myself as the same child I always was. I started speaking in a childish voice and at first, you thought it was cute... but then you got annoyed again. I kept annoying you. I didn't want to but it seemed that whatever I did annoyed you. I became afraid to even talk to you because if you were annoyed you wouldn't want to talk to me. I never wanted to grow up. I wanted to stay as the child that I was when we were so close. I wanted to be your sister again. I wanted you to play with me and talk to me just like we did as kids. I wanted that sister I knew back. I hated this mature you. You were too mature and just wanted to grow up to show the parents that you could. I know you just wanted to prove that you were capable of everything, and you did it. Everyone now knows how you can do whatever you want in your life. Everyone knows how amazing you are. But I'm still that child. I'm still that little stupid kid who just wants to play. I saw you grow up. I witnessed what it did to you. I saw how you changed. I never wanted to change. I never wanted to become what you became. I never grew up. I'm still a child. I just wanted to talk with you... hopefully you would listen. Hopefully you would understand... I never had the words to say it, so I always just stood at your door, waiting for you to invite me in and waiting for the time where we'd just be the same as we were. That time never came. You always shooshed me away. You never wanted me anywhere near you. I felt abandoned. You abandoned me. Emotionally then, but then came the days where you would always be out of the house. You gave no opportunity or chance for me to talk to you. Then you moved away. Everyone was so proud of you. Everyone was smiling. I was holding back tears. I thought you would never come back. That day where you left for school. That first day at frosh week for you... I tried to spend every waking moment with you. I stood outside with you as dad was preparing for the drive, I hugged you so many times hoping you'd choose not to go (but I knew you had to. I knew it was for your schooling and you really wanted to go. I was happy in that regard that you were getting what you wanted... but still), I stood at the front of the house... first on the stairs, then I ran to the sidewalk... I watched the car go up and down every one of the hills and then turn at Eglington. I stood and cried a long time after the car was out of sight completely. I remember the way you smiled as you were so excited. You and that stupid green spinning hat of yours. I remember the look of happiness on your face as you looked at me that one last time before dad turned the car and headed towards Eglington. I remember the smallest of details... because to me, that day want the day you rode out of my life. Everything that I remember of you, everything that would ever happen between us as sisters, I thought would be gone forever. You were riding away. I thought you would never come back. Even if we were never talking because you were too busy, I always felt a little comfort in knowing you were here with me. When you drove away, everything just fell apart. I never felt safe in the house again. I was now burdened with being the eldest child of the house... AND the middlist. But I was still a child. I just felt so empty with you gone completely. I had no idea how to be a proper role model for my younger siblings because you just abandoned me. I had none myself. Don't you see? All I ever wanted was to keep playing a few stupid games and to talk as sisters should. When you grew up, Kidland became stupid to me because it was stupid to you. All my little games and radio stations became stupid to me because it was stupid to you. I tried to do what you did in hopes that you would spend some time with me. I thought you hated me. I thought I did something to make you not like me anymore. I wanted you to like me. I took on any hobby you did. When I couldn't do something you could I got frustrated and thought I couldn't do anything. I felt worthless and it grew from there. I just wanted you as my sister again. But every day you seemed to not want to be near me at all. When I wanted to follow you in your same school choice, you got upset. As if I was already too much of a burden. You, my own sister, never wanted me. The only person who I ever felt close to as a child had abandoned me. During those few years as a child, a person learns so much. Those early years develop who the person trusts and what kinds of things a person likes etc. Those few years I was always looking up to you, following you in whatever you did. I always just wanted to be near you and do what you do. I thought that everything you did was a masterpiece and what I did was crap in comparison. You were my role model as I was growing up. You taught me things I needed to know and things I wanted to know. You and I went through so much together when we were really young. Both bad and good. I have memories of both. You were the only thing or person I could relate to. And you left me. You abandoned me. Now I'm fucked up and you don't know why. No one knows why. Well I don't know why. I just remember things now. I don't look towards the future anymore. I don't have a future. I only have a past. It's not my fault that I am the way I am. I've been alone since you left me at such a young age. I've been all alone to fend for myself, to learn and develop into the person I am on my own. It's no wonder I have such a bad case of abandonment issues. It's no wonder why I have a severe case of Bipolar disorder. I'm a happy little child until I think of something from my past or I experience difficulties in anything I do. I give up. I become frustrated. I become upset and I just don't want to have anything to do with it. Life is never neutral for me. It's either happy or sad. When I post something upsetting, understand that it's just me being sad. It will pass. I'll be happy again. I'll go up and down emotionally. I'll change the way I view things in a matter of seconds, or I'll take something back because I'm never sure anymore. I never was able to voice my own opinion because I was afraid of what people I cared for would think. I was afraid that I would loose them like I lost you. I thought everyone would hate me. I change my mind so often because I'm never sure. I can never make a decision because of my issues. I hate the way I am. I hate the way I think. I hate everything about me and I can't change any of it... so I deal. This is how I deal.

I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment.

I always was.
Mar. 23rd, 2005 @ 11:47 am

» (No Subject)
I pour my heart out and here's what I get. Maybe I should just never open my mouth again. Mar. 13th, 2005 @ 02:07 pm

» Last night....

At work, things turned sour. My day went from worse to ... well whatever is worse than that. My manager of that night threatened me and accused me and my friend of things that were not ture and he didn't even TRY to get the facts straight. As a manager you are supposed to observe AND double check. You cannot go on your own opinions. You have to hear BOTH sides and actually LISTEN to it. PLUS! he publically humiliated me when he SHOULD have spoken to me in the bakery in back NOT out in the middle of the friggin FLOOR! He is a new manager and he was completely running on a power trip. The two times I approached him, I was kind and asked if he was alright. BOTH times, he sharply and rudely made accusations that were completely insane. I don't take well to threats, and he threatened me, harassed me, and pissed me off. I'm taking this up with my bakery manager. I'll take it slow so I don't screw this up. No one can use their power to the extent he did. We are equals, and yet he treated me like a child. Fuck him.

To make matters even MORE worse, my father had to top off that particular day with arriving in my bakery and demanding to "talk" with me after work. It ended up as a screaming fight right outside Dominion's doors. He wanted to know what was wrong, so after all of these years, I just told him. I was completely honest. I told him some of the things that hurt me. Some of the things he had done in my childhood that's really fucked me up now. This talk consisted of me pouring my heart out and crying and just being completely honest, and my father, as always, denying everything. He told me it was all in my head and that I'm a fucked up kid to think that any of that actually happened. He denied doing what he was doing right there! He said he has a perfect memory of everything and never forgets anything, and yet here he was, forgetting everything that he did to us kids as we were growing up. I'm the only one out of the family with guts enough to tell him that HE fucked up, and he doesn't believe me just because "the others have never said anything like that to support what you're saying".... and I know they never will. Fuck, you raised us with fear, so no fucking WONDER they won't tell you that! They're fucking afraid! Why won't you listen!? I hate the way you're always doing that! You always blame the fucked up raising part on Mom, but it takes TWO people to have children! You can't tell me that through the whole fucking 17 years that I've lived that you have never once hit me or abused me or fucked me over or emotionally battered me or anything! COMON! You were home more than she was, so of COURSE you had a larger role in the battery! Her absense half the time was emotionally hard to deal with, but you calling the cops on her during my birthday wasn't much help with that either!All through my childhood, you've fucked up. Sure, there were the odd times that you would be happy and you were kind and treated us and we had fun, but what about the times we never talk about? I'm bringing them up and you deny them, how can we clear the air if you don't want to fucking acknowledge that you DID do this? I didn't care that it was outside with lots of people watching. As always, you did. You never want your "good name" to be ruined and have people think that these accusations are true, so again, you deny them and call me crazy. All for the status you THINK you have. No one thinks of you as this superintelligent person. No one cares what you have to say. Half of the time you're wrong, but you're too damn stubborn to think otherwise..,.. or even fucking listen.
You threatened me even last night. You said that you'll revoke you're part of "the aggreement" because I'm not holding up my end. But what kind of agreement forces one side to sign, or they're disowned? That piece of paper was forced on me. You told me to sign it, or you won't sign the stupid piece of paper saying I can go to The Student School. I WANT to do well, so I chose to go there and start fresh, but then you made up a stupid agreement saying that I have to do all of these insane things and that I have to stick to this insanse schedule. I told you when I first saw that paper that it was impossible for me to stick by the crazy things you wrote. I need to work as often as possible because I DO have expenses... (one of which being school expenses because you think it's already covered in your goddam taxes, so you never paid for things that I missed out on and people said I was the cheapskate(people always thought that it was ME who had the problem paying when I was a child, but really you would just get so mad that I would even ask for money and you would start lecturing me because I would have easily paid to go on those little FIVE DOLLAR trips that you would never allow.) I started stealing money from you as a child because I wanted to go and you wouldnt ever let me) I am a seventeen year old. I have to start saving up at least, but you wrote that I couldn't work any schoolnights and not more than 8 hours a week. WTF? Why should I even bother going in if it's only 8 hours a week? Most of that paycheck would go to the fucking union, and then I'd only have enough money for a sandwich. WTF? You're completely unreasonable when you say that I have to stay at home five nights a week, when my reasons for GOING to the new school were because I wanted some time AWAY so I could get myself in order! I wanted to move out while at this school and I could get my life back. You were ok with this when it was just a proposal, then you "forgot" that I said any of these things and you turn around and say I made it all up. How dare you. You call me a schkitzo and say that I'm "imagining everything" If I am, then I'm really fucked because I remember the smallest details... I even remember talking to my siblings years after something happens about the same fucking shit you put us through. How can I be imagining things if they're talking to me about them later? If they're saying the same things that you always say I'm crazy for thinking? We all think the same. You just don't hear it becaus eif we blame you to your face, you yell, scream, batter and abuse. We're afraid. We're constantly afraid. You always demand such incredible things from us. We were only children then, we couldn't have known how to do things like adults, yet when we didn't do something perfect the first time, you would hurt us somehow. We would always pay for not being perfect. Sure, there's no perfect father, but you really weren't anything close to one. Saying how I couldn't ever have a better father is pure filth. I could have had someone who cared about someone other than himself. But I didn't luck out this round. I only get one father. Sometimes, it's ok being around you, but even then, we're on edge just wondering when you're going to blow up over the smallest of things... and when that time comes... and it always did... we would scamper away as fast as we could to avoid getting sucked into your angry fits of hysteria. (you would get uspet because your computer would fuck up, then take it out on all of us kids. You would yell and scream and hurt until you started feeling heart pains because you're blood pressure would rise... then you would blame us for you getting upset and yelling and telling us that we're the ones that's killing you and that you're going to kill us before we "kill you".) You were crazy then, and even more crazy now. And I'm not even going to get into mother. She was never there. When she was, she was doting upon herself and involved with her life far too much to involver herself in ours. When she was upset, she would hurt us too. She would take it out on us. You don't like her so you use every bit of her anger against her. You videotape her doing shit that you always do worse and worse when she's not around. Then you use these tapes as blackmail because you know how easy it is to scare her when you've already called the cops on her before and you have always wanted to kill her or get rid of her so you use every excuse to hurt her or use her pain to your advantage to show how much more power you have over her. You manipulate. She suffers just like us when it comes to you. You are overbearing,, controlling, evil. She may not be a good parent either, but you always go above and beyond. Maybe she would too if she was stuck here all the time.. but wait, aren't parent's SUPPOSED to stick around their children until they grow up? You guys think that staying together will help anything? Explain to me then why we're all fucked up? Children can't live in a house of hate and anger, so you're just killing out childhoods by forcing us through all of this. Yes, it would have been hard if you were separated, but at least we wouldn't live in a house of HATE! You would be happy without her, and she without you. Don't you get it? Children should grow up in a happy environment, not a forced hate-filled one. You say that your relationship with my mother has no effect on me, but EXCUSE ME, but you are my parents! EVERYTHING you do has a direct effect on me! During one of my childhood vacations you and mother were inside the cabin, and all I hear is a scream, then a thud, and all I see is you choking my mother... All I hear is you screaming in your hate-ridden tone how much you hate her and how you're going to kill her and leave her to rot.... I hated every minute of it. You did that again a few times in the house. You strangled her... even got her on the floor right in front of me and I was stuck in a delemna. Mommie cried out "call the cops Janice or you're father is going to kill me" and my father screaming out to me "Janice, if you call those cops I'll kill you too before they come. Don't call the cops." I'm in an emotional dilemna. I'm a child, scared out of my mind... I don't know what to do... I just witness... and remember... and here you are .... standing in front of me, denying that anything I say is a falshood and that I'm blatently making things up becaus eyou don't want to admit that these things happened. YOU loose your temper. You aren't the same person when you're mad. I sometimes thing you have a different personality so that's why you never remember when these things happen. I always just close my eyes and force myself to accept what you say as being the truth. When you tell me that I'm crazy, I start to believe it. You tell me I'm stupid and worthless and I'm a failure. I believe every word because you told me that all through my childhood. You raise me to hate myself, so are you surprised if I do things to hurt myself? I don't like who I am because of you. Yesterday you said I was making up all of those memories I poured out to you in my honesty. Those weren't even the important ones that hurt me most, because I was afraid how you would react to them. You called me crazy... I walked away after I had enough crying and screaming in public. People were staring... people were laughing..... I was crying. I was screaming. I walked away pouring tears thinking how much I hate when you do that. I hate how you ALWAYS did that. You always left me in tears and made me think that it was always MY fault. Jamie was waiting in the car for me and he took me back to the apartment. I sat in the car and whimpered as quietly as I could so Jamie wouldn't hear me... but he knew... he saw my tear-stained face. He heard my breathing... When we got to the apartment, I could barely utter a sound. I couldn't form words... I was too upset. The night progessed with first me being quiet and still... then I was moving around... I tried to tidy things... I didn't want to think... I just wanted it to get out of my head. He gave me some T1's and hugged me. I didn't move... I sat, being hugged.... until I started to cry again. Really really crying. I lashed out... I started yelling out everything that was going through my head about my father. Jamie had been watching the entire screaming arguement with my father from just a little ways away in the parking lot. He knew how upset I was. He tried to comfort me and all I did was cry... Then I started thinking... what if Father was right? What if I really was making things up? What if all the memories that I have are of my own concoction? What if they never really happened and my silblings are happy and Daddy really was a great dad? What if I am really just the fucked up one.... then I got thinking.... "Is this happening?" "Am I really here? Did that arguement even really happen? Why am I crying? Daddy's always been right. So I must be a fucked up kid. Maybe I am on heroin... maybe I'm on speed. Maybe I took too many drugs and can't remember it because it fucked me up. What if I really am just a big fuck up.... wait... I know I'm a fuck up. He told me so... so I guess I'm a schkitso too... I'm a fucked up phsycho.... I need to get some help.... but I don't know what's real. It's all fake. None of it's real... It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. It's all in my head..................."

That was the last thing I remember thinking… Then my mind just went numb. Jamie told me that I had a nervous breakdown. How I was forgetting things were happening just moments after they happened…. How I was forgetting people I know so well. Nothing made sense to me. I could hear the cats speaking to me, and I spoke back. I thought the cats were flying and they were only really jumping. I thought the cats had wings and were really angels and if I drown them that they would show their true selves… I was having a breakdown. I was acting like a crazy person. I didn’t know what was happening. I reverted to being a child in the latter part of the night as I went to bed. I spoke in a childlike voice… and I kept saying “ Daddy loves me and I love him and my family is the happiest because mommy and daddy love each other and they love all of us kids and we all love them and I could never ask for any other mommy and daddy. I love mommy. I love daddy. I miss them. Where’s mommy? Is mommy here? Is daddy here too? I love my mommy. I love my daddy. They love me….” I did that until I fell asleep.

***

I'm afraid.

***

I'm upset.

***

But it's not real.
Mar. 13th, 2005 @ 09:24 am

» (No Subject)

Maybe I shouldn't... I now want to dye the top hairs black, the bangs red, and the underhairs red too. I want to cut my hair. It's too long.

Mary's back at Covie. I hope things are going to be ok. I didn't go to school because I was here with her. I have a lot of missed days. I think I've missed five or six days from school. I'm not going to miss any more. March Break is coming. I want to have a lot of fun. Hey, everyone! We should all go out!

Contact me. I wanna have some fun. ^_________^

I love you guys. I miss you guys. *HUGGS*
Mar. 11th, 2005 @ 06:05 pm

» (No Subject)

I'm going to dye the top strands of hair Red, and the underhairs Black. It's going to be sexy. I'll get it cut in random lengths. I just know it'll be good when I'm done. I can't wait.

I got paid today.

I'm the human version of "Fattie Patty" the doll.
..........and I hate it.

Don't analyze me, I'm human. You can't fit me into a description. You can't identify me or sort me into a group. I'm only human, yes. But I'm also me. Get to know me. I'm sorry to say this, but you don't know me. Stop trying to act like you know everything. I hate when you do that. You aren't any smarter than the rest of us. You simply aquire knowledge to benifit yourself, but then use your "big words" to make everyone else around you feel stupid and like shit. I'm more human than you because I feel. You take on everything mathematically. Think about emotions first. I hate how you analyze everything in your life then try to force your opinion into everyone elses lives and force everyone to belive you're the only one who knows anything and that you're always right. You're like the goddam church during the burning times. You have the knowledge that you wont priveledge to anyone but yourself and only dish out certain pieces when you want to show everyone else how much more powerful or intellegint you are. You always just want everyone else to follow you as if you were the next best thing to "GOD". Once you have your followers who you force lengthly, overworded conversations upon, you get them to do your bidding and then they become what you want them to be. I'm just human, and you treat me like they treated witches. As if I'm never good enough and when I try, you degrade me and punish me and then lash out and tell everyone else how stupid and bad or evil etc I am. How dare you. You've always done this. I"m not the person you perceive. You havn't seen me or really gotten to know me. We were once close, then you drifted away to get the attention you were so desperately seeking from people who didn't give a crap about you in the first place. You suck up. You left me behind to fend for myself. You never raised me. I raised me. If you raised me how could I be so different with such opposing views. No, You didn't do shit. You fended for yourself and left me to rot. And now, every time I do something because I believe it's right, you degrade it publically and don't even talk to me, instead you talk to others about this "problem" I have and how I am not thinking correctly and some Bull Shit like that. How many times must we go through this? I'm not who you think I am. You don;t know anything that's going on in my life. Let me explain some of it to you.

I havn't gone home for about a month now. I"m on my own now. I don't care. They dont give two shits about me, and they threaten me then put a mask over their goddam faces and act all nice. I'm half scared and half exhausted. I work, go to school, take care of my friends when they need help, I go home to the two beautiful cats and care for them and love them and they in return are more loving and caring then I've ever felt from anyone in my entire life. I have a few really close friends who I can depend on, but we're all going through shit in our lives and can't be there for each other all the time. One of my best friends has just recently started living in the covenent house (A place I was living for a good week and a half before they found me and forced me to come "home"). I've done so much that I can't even write here. Things you never thought I could get my hands on... and I plan on doing so much more. My life is getting better now that I'm not at home. I feel better. I've brought the kids over a few times to my apartment and they adore the cats. I want to eventually take them with me and we'll all buy a house and live happily ever after... all that bull. I just want them outta that stupid house. I'm constantly in physical pain. Some pains just pop up out of no where and I can't ever seem to find the right answers. I'm having such intense migranes all the time that I'm almost always dependant on 'deew' to help tone it down. I've been hospitalized for them. I've fallen and gone into intense fevers from them. I'm getting sick. I can't help it. I've done shit I know could get in into a lot of trouble. Almost everything except 'seldeen'... and I like it. I don't want help. I don't like the help you try to give me. I'm happier when I'm not near them. I'm happier here. I don't do so much shit when I'm here. Both of the 'rents have tried calling the cops on me. Mom's tried to get my conputer conficated by the cops, dad's left hate messages and threats on recorded devices. I'm afraid of them. I'm afraid to call them or go anywhere near that house. I just want to remove all of my things and completely erase all of this from my life. I don't want to remember my childhood. You'll be lucky if I'm alive after my eighteenth birthday. I'm going to do all the shit I want to do... even if it kills me. You never thought this was me, but here I am. I'm the person you never thought I could become. WAKE UP AND SNIFF THE COKE, BITCH! I'm not the little sister you thought I was. I'm not who you think I am. I'm someone you never tried to get to know because you were too wrapped up in your own self glory and your own life. I'm fucked up because I want to be. I don't blame anyone but myself, but I don't want help. I don't need help. I'll do what I want and die when I die. Life is pointless and you know that. I'm optimistic and fine with living, but I'm also fine with death. I am not trying to kill myself or thinking about hurting or any of that mellowdramatic bullshit I used to think about. I've become numb in my emotions towards everyone and everything. Relationships, friendships, family, work, food, warmth, snow, children, light, dark, etc.... these are all just words to me. They mean nothing, have to resemblance to anything in my mind.. they are just words. I don't care about any of them and I mean it. I don't know what to say or how to make you understand. I just dont care. I'm passive and easygoing. I'll do whatever I want. I'll live my life to make me happy because I've lost my childhood to unhappiness, crying, pain, misery, threats, abuse, you name it. I'm NOT going to lose the rest of my life to that kind of bull. I'm my own person and I'll live my own life. Back off and stop trying to control me or mold me. Stop thinking that you know me and can define me to your little posse or fucknuts. I don't care. Stop it. I hate it. Stop stop stop!

I'm upset and I think it's coming out in useless garble and garbage. I don't know why I'm typing here. Maybe because I should be in school, but would rather sleep away my hangovers. I'm alone, I'm tired. I'm bored and I'm finished. I don't want to type anymore. I think I'll go make some eggs.

Goodnight.

~~crimson~~
Mar. 3rd, 2005 @ 01:34 pm

» (No Subject)
Cocktail ?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla Mar. 3rd, 2005 @ 12:40 pm

» Second day I havn't gone...

I woke up at around ten thirty today. My stupid alarm didn't work. It didn't even go off! Fucking technology... Anyways, I'm in no mood to go to school anyways. It's the second day in a row where I just don't feel like bothering. I feel like crap. I don't know why. I get sad, then I do stupid shit (it makes me feel better for a while... takes my mind off of things...), then I regret it, but I keep doing it. Every night this week I needed a little bit of alcohol in my system to get to sleep. I needed a couple drinks to calm me down, and then another to put me to sleep. I've done something really stupid. I didn't like it so I won't do it again. I promise. Anyways, I havn't been home in three weeks. Mary's going through shit and I can only do so little to help her. I wish I could help more. My little sister is growing up and I'm missing it. People all around me are getting sick and leaving me. Jamie has become a big part of my life. Ramy is leaving my life for good. There are such huge changes going on. It seems like time is moving by so quickly and here I am standing in the wind, watching as my life flies by me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so.... lost.

These changes are happening and I can't stop it. I've decided to just go with the flow.

Ramy, you were my life for a whole year, and now you're leaving. It's hard to deal with, and I'd rather not, but as you said, it must be done. I'm going to miss all the fun we had. I'll remember it. I hope that we'll talk sometimes so that we aren't completely separated. I want to know you're alright. Both of us are moving on, or will move on. I hope it means happiness in the end. Goodluck.

My stomach is hurting. I'm not sure if I'm hungry or not.

I'm trying a new diet where all I consume whenever I'm hungry is this liquid of maple syrop and lemon juices etc. I hope it works. It's going to flush out everything from my body and hopefully I'll be my desired weight (85~ish pounds) soon. I have a ways to go, but I know I can do this. A couple months on this diet and I'm sure I'll be there. I need support from my friends to help make sure I dont give in to temptation to eat the sugary chocolatey foods that I've been eating. I can't drink, so maybe that'll help ensure I don't become an alcoholic. There's so much I have to stop doing once I begin this diet. I work in a bakery... let's hope there's no food lying around.

Is there really such a thing as happiness or am I just wishfully thinking?

I hope...

~~crimson~~
Mar. 3rd, 2005 @ 10:37 am

» no sleep... again.

Well, Dominion, I've had it with you. BAH! Almost every day this week, my schedule was changed around... but only for that one day... TODAY! It started out something like 11am to 3pm, then it was 12-5, and then 1:30 to ten, and then just when I thought it was all settled and no one would change it again, they had to call me late last night to tell me to haul my ass out of the apartment in Etobicoke at six friggin in the morning to arrive at work for seven am. I worked an eight and a half hour shift of constant moving, heavy lifting, packing, costomers to deal with, putting things out, fixing the prices of the entire bakery, throwing out garbage, cleaning, and soooooo fucking much more. It was loud. Sometimes it was too hot, sometimes too cold. Never a satisfying temperature. Fuck, man. Today was a pain in the ass. Not to mention that the antibiotics that I'm on are making me extremely tired, worn out, giving me extreme migranes, joint and muscle pains, my back has a really sharp pain, my feet are swollen and sore... fuck, I'm just dead.

Yeah, I'm on antibiotics cos my body has some sort of infection that my doctor wont explain to me. I have to take these really heavy meds and antibiotics to kill whatever is causing the infection and then hopefully it will heal within a week or so. Well, they're strong to me. I don't like not having control of my body. My skin is dried up, my lips are chapping, migranes are coming out of no where, and pains and aches are popping up in more and more places. Not to mention I'm extremely clumsy. I can't balance properly with my migranes, so I keep getting these stupid cuts.

...I bit my tounge... and it hurts.

Hopefully I'll have kittens in the apartment tonight. That would make my day AAAAALLLLL better. Unless they are stupid little fuckers and their mother's owner didn't know how to raise babies properly. Well, all I can do is wait and hope that they'll arrive and be the perfect little kitties.

I have math homework that I should get started on. It shouldn't take too long once I start.

I want to make dinner tonight, but I don't know what to make. Maybe I'll make noodles, or rice. I'm in a pastaish-rice mood. It really sucks how I can't eat anytime near the taking of my antibiotics. I can take the meds one hour before eating, or two hours after. No sooner than that. I hate having to plan out when I'm going to eat. I loved just being able to snack. Maybe it's for the best... I better be healthy when this is over with.

I don't have much else to say right now. I'm dead tired... maybe I'll go take a nap, or do my homework...

The kids came over yesterday. They were such darlings. They helped me prepare for the kittens. I want them over more often. I think it would be fun. The night before, I had Mary and Crystal sleep over, so there was a bit of a mess. I always feel like I'm forcing myself on Jamie. I'm forcing my life on him. He's giving me everything he has to give, and more! I just can't help feeling like I'm using him. He does so much for me, and all I do is ask for more. He spoils me. I hate being spoiled. I hate it because I never want to get used to it. I don't want to have someone wait on me like a servant. He's too amazing a person. I just want him to be happy. He hasn't been happy in a long time...

I miss everyone.

~~crimson~~
Feb. 12th, 2005 @ 04:45 pm

» (No Subject)
I want kittens. When am I getting kittens? Where are my kittens? KITTEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSS!!! I went out and bought all sorts of kitten toys and I have no kittens to play with. I want my kittens. Right now. Kitten me. I want kittens. Gimmie Gimmie. ...kittens... Feb. 11th, 2005 @ 11:45 pm

» Why the hell am I so sick?

I've been out of it for days now... I hate it.

I've gone through nausia, intense migranes, sore, aching muscles, fever, hot and cold flashes, sore throat, inflamed right touncil, nasty cold symtoms (stuffy nose, congestion, sneezing), sensitivity to light, not being able to eat because my throat is the width of a straw, shaking even when I'm not cold, and I know I already said it already but this fucking migrane HURTS! I constantly feel like I'm going to pass out or vomit... and I'm at the point of doing so, but my body just won't let me do either and get it over with. It just keeps prolonging the pain...

Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me?

~~~

We're getting kittens!!! ^____________^

---I hope---

~~~

He's been to the doctor, he's got the medicine, now I hope he gets better. I can't stand to see him so sick all the time. I wish there was something I could do to make him feel better. I just feel so useless when all I can do is comfort. I hate being sick like I am now, and I wonder... is this what he feels every day? If it is... I have to say he's the strongest person I know.

~~~

He dropped by my house tonight and delivered some much needed medicine, as well as oatmeal and a little teddy as a gift. First time I smiled in two days.

~~~

I had a dream... and you were in it... and he was in it... and the most adorable stray kitten was in it.

~~~

Over the past two days I think I lost five pounds from simply being sick. Go me! Maybe I should be sick more often...

Yesterday I ate a grande total of 1/4 of a single cracker, some apple sauce, and lots of drinks. Today, juice, water, gingerale, yogurt and oatmeal. I like yesterday's line up of food better.

~~~

I have to return the blue container to his mother soon. I'm sure she's fairly mad as I didn't return it on Sunday as I promised. I havn't heard anything from him yet, though. Maybe he's just too busy. Now that he has a life, I have to learn to wait my turn.

~~~

Someone called me really early this morning... I don't know who it was. The phone rang three times, then the person hung up. I believe the person was on a cord phone because I distinctly remember hearing a rustling click. This was sometime after 3am I think when it was still dark outside. I felt like crap so I didn't bother getting up to see what time they called. I did a *69 and came up with an unreachable number. So, if you were trying to call me early morning on feb. 2, please tell me who you are, because I'm afraid I have a stalker who won't let a sick woman sleep.

~~crimson~~
Feb. 3rd, 2005 @ 12:38 am

» well, we had our talk...

We spoke. We discussed. It's settled.

I think.

-------

I left him... I just walked. I couldn't stop. I didn't turn around. I couldn't face him.

I don't want to say goodbye... But we must. You're right. You're always right. We can't keep pretending. We'll never be able to get over one another if we try to stay friends. When we try... it only ends up hurting us more. I don't want to lose you... but... maybe you're right? Maybe it is for the best.

By the way, he wasnt telling you to back off... he was trying to tell you to keep trying. He was trying to help our friendship.

But whatever now...

You and I are no more. You have made the ultimate decision. I'll return your things. You have what you want. You are free from me. I will harass you no more.

It's time to say goodbye.

It's for the best... I hope.

Good luck in your life. I wish you happiness.

I wish it didn't have to end like this... Move on, and be happy.

I will never forget you.

Goodbye.

~~crimson~~
Jan. 27th, 2005 @ 06:10 pm

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